Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
