Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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