You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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