so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
