My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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