I have demons in me.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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