Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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