Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
