I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Four minutes until I can fart!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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