final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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