Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
