So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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