how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
