Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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