Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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