And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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