You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How does it feel to date your dad?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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