So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
