If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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