I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
