I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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