My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
