I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
