i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
