Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize