better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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