I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
