I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
