just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
