My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
