I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
