You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
