i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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