my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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