I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
