I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
