sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
