Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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