how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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