My underwear smells like fireworks.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
