my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
