I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize