Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
