FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I have post one night stand depression
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