I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
