you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
