Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
