I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
