why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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