hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have grass duct taped all over my body
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
