I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize