Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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