who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
