My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
