Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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