You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
